Other things I’ve consumed in makeshift contests:
- An entire tray of kamikazes at the old Black Star bar (now Kabin) after my brother said I couldn’t do it.
- A shot glass full of hot sauce at Red Room (now Abilene Bar) after friends suggested it could not be done without throwing up
- A Double Gulp cup full of cheap keg beer (chugged) in some asshole’s backyard, just to prove I was still The Beer Queen
I also once ran down my sister’s living room stairs as fast as I could and then hurdled the baby gate at the foot of the steps because my dad bet that I would trip jumping over it (and potentially break my face on the ground below?), and I had to prove him wrong. For the record, I cleared that baby gate no problem, and earned five bucks for my trouble.2 years ago
Fuckety fuck fucks. I just stepped on a small cat turd with my bare foot. This was in the kitchen, right next to their food bowls. You would think the little idiots would be smart enough to not shit where they eat, but as we have learned over the years, my precious felines have no boundaries. A recent development over the past few weeks is that I can no longer see the ground very well over my big fat pregnant belly, and as a result, it’s like a universal law that my bare foot will somehow land in every splash of barf or dropped dingleberry that the cats so graciously leave around my apartment. And unfortunately, one of them is 14-years old, weighs nearly 20-pounds and has diabetes, and the other two are 17-years old, have delicate constitutions, long hair and virtually no brains. The result is a hell of a lot of poop and barf to dodge, which is not very easy these days. Hazards of pregnancy. The other problem is that the wider I get, the harder it is for me to lift my foot up to the bathroom sink to clean it off. Or to even bend down long enough for a thorough cleansing. I’ve been a damn lucky pregnant lady so far. I’ve never had morning sickness, have passed all my tests with flying colors, and have yet to wet my pants. But if I step in one more piece of fecal matter or a regurgitated hairball on account of not being able to see the floor, I’m tying the cats in a sack and throwing them in the East River.2 years ago
This morning I was on the uptown D train at West 4th Street when the conductor announced that we would be bypassing 34th Street and going straight to 42nd Street due to a police investigation at 34th. He then advised passengers who wanted to get to 34th Street to get off at 42nd and switch back to a downtown train to 34th.
As we swished through the empty and cordoned off 34th Street station (always a vaguely eery situation) and pulled into 42nd, he came on the public address system again. “Uhh, passengers, we’re now being advised that downtown trains are bypassing 34th Street as well. Listen, if you want to get to 34th Street I don’t know what to tell you. Get out and walk? Catch a bus? If you really want to, you can walk over to Times Square and catch the A Train? I dunno. I would just walk down to 34th Street if I were you.”
Occasionally I feel truly sympathetic towards tourists here. Occasionally.
And sometimes I even really like this city.2 years ago
I’ve been knocked up for a little more than 25 weeks and I finally had a dream last night about giving birth. At last, my subconcious mind is on board!
Of course, in the dream I was in labor and I cried out “Owww, they’ve replaced my vagina with a dead woman’s vagina!”
I hereby nominate my dream-brain for the mother of the year award.2 years ago
Mariah Carey named her kid Moroccan. He is named after the “top tier” of Carey’s New York City apartment, which is called the Moroccan Room because of its Moroccan decor.
Inspired by Mariah (as I often am), I have decided to add a few possibilities to my list of potential baby names which are based on rooms in my own New York City apartment.
1. The (One and Only) Closet Blair-Bram
2. The Sleeping Nook Blair-Bram
3. The “Big” Room Blair-Bram (quotation marks included)
4. The Litter Box Corner Blair-Bram
5. The Crapper Blair-Bram
I dunno, I’m kinda partial to The Crapper? Whatdyathink?2 years ago